It really just snuck up on me today for some reason.
While I was out taking score at a local horseshoe tournament, I met a nice older lady, the mother of one of the pitchers. We had talked for a while, and we had to take quite the journey out to a portapotty. She had told me about getting married at 18, her husband going to war, and then he returned home and they started a family. It was very sweet. I looked after her for a while when her daughter was socializing and her husband was pitching in the tournament. It was very neat and it just reminded me of the times I had with Grandma.
While I'm at home, I keep thinking about the day I found out Grandma died - how I was so shocked because I was going to visit her the next day, and how upset I still am in retrospect that my husband had told me in the middle of the food court at our mall and hundreds of people watched me as I just flipped out, how Aunt Jo and Jeff had to help me to the car. I went from "I'm visiting Grandma tomorrow" to "I'm helping plan her funeral tonight." It was surreal.
Well then I'm watching Dr. G, Medical Examiner on Discovery Health - one of my all-time favorite shows. The episode I was watching was about what was the apparent gruesome death of an older gentleman, a 93-year-old man. Well what they found out is that he had dementia and he left the front door open but forgot that he left the front door open. He went to the back door thinking that was how to get into the house, but it was locked, and he struggled to get in there, before slipping on his icy back porch and dying in the backyard. How terrible. After the story unfolded, Dr. G talked about her mother and how she's an older woman who wanted to live at home despite mobility issues and that it's something every family faces. It just reminded me so much of our family's struggle.
***
I remember one time when my aunt came home from work at 7 p.m. this past winter, and it was dark. Grandma was in her pajamas (she didn't change her clothes near the end for days at a time) and she was eating cereal and thought it was very early in the morning. That was scary. Then how despite pressure from a social-worker neighbor and talking with home-health care, Grandma still didn't want to go in a nursing home.
A month or so later, when she fell and the policemen had to save her and take her to the hospital, we had come to the decision that we were going to have to put her in a care facility, and I think she knew that. She'd always said she'd rather die than be put in a home, and ultimately, it's what happened. I think that the stress from the fall combined with the emotional burden of knowing a.) your family is emotionally and physically worn out by this and b.) a nursing home was almost eminent for her was what she died from.
I remember my aunt saying she came into Grandma's hospital room one day and Grandma was curled up funny with a funny look on her face. Laura asked Grandma, "What are you doing?" and Grandma replied, "Trying to die..." She died about a week later. That day, the doctors had told my aunt and twin sister (Grandma's caregivers) that Grandma only had about 6 mos. to live. She was down to 64 pounds and her circulatory system had already begun to show signs of failure. Ariel and Laura were getting Grandma's house ready for hospice care when they got the call.
I know that Grandma was suffering, and that my family was suffering, and it's best that Grandma went when she did - with some dignity. She just went to sleep in a chair in her room and didn't wake up. She was such a monumental person in my life and I still feel like that void will never fill. I sometimes think about what I'll tell my kids about my grandma and how sad I am that I never did give her a great-grandchild.
I am always still looking for some sign that she's still around and I keep hoping that I'll never forget her, how she sounds, what she looked like, certain moments we shared...
While I was out taking score at a local horseshoe tournament, I met a nice older lady, the mother of one of the pitchers. We had talked for a while, and we had to take quite the journey out to a portapotty. She had told me about getting married at 18, her husband going to war, and then he returned home and they started a family. It was very sweet. I looked after her for a while when her daughter was socializing and her husband was pitching in the tournament. It was very neat and it just reminded me of the times I had with Grandma.
While I'm at home, I keep thinking about the day I found out Grandma died - how I was so shocked because I was going to visit her the next day, and how upset I still am in retrospect that my husband had told me in the middle of the food court at our mall and hundreds of people watched me as I just flipped out, how Aunt Jo and Jeff had to help me to the car. I went from "I'm visiting Grandma tomorrow" to "I'm helping plan her funeral tonight." It was surreal.
Well then I'm watching Dr. G, Medical Examiner on Discovery Health - one of my all-time favorite shows. The episode I was watching was about what was the apparent gruesome death of an older gentleman, a 93-year-old man. Well what they found out is that he had dementia and he left the front door open but forgot that he left the front door open. He went to the back door thinking that was how to get into the house, but it was locked, and he struggled to get in there, before slipping on his icy back porch and dying in the backyard. How terrible. After the story unfolded, Dr. G talked about her mother and how she's an older woman who wanted to live at home despite mobility issues and that it's something every family faces. It just reminded me so much of our family's struggle.
***
I remember one time when my aunt came home from work at 7 p.m. this past winter, and it was dark. Grandma was in her pajamas (she didn't change her clothes near the end for days at a time) and she was eating cereal and thought it was very early in the morning. That was scary. Then how despite pressure from a social-worker neighbor and talking with home-health care, Grandma still didn't want to go in a nursing home.
A month or so later, when she fell and the policemen had to save her and take her to the hospital, we had come to the decision that we were going to have to put her in a care facility, and I think she knew that. She'd always said she'd rather die than be put in a home, and ultimately, it's what happened. I think that the stress from the fall combined with the emotional burden of knowing a.) your family is emotionally and physically worn out by this and b.) a nursing home was almost eminent for her was what she died from.
I remember my aunt saying she came into Grandma's hospital room one day and Grandma was curled up funny with a funny look on her face. Laura asked Grandma, "What are you doing?" and Grandma replied, "Trying to die..." She died about a week later. That day, the doctors had told my aunt and twin sister (Grandma's caregivers) that Grandma only had about 6 mos. to live. She was down to 64 pounds and her circulatory system had already begun to show signs of failure. Ariel and Laura were getting Grandma's house ready for hospice care when they got the call.
I know that Grandma was suffering, and that my family was suffering, and it's best that Grandma went when she did - with some dignity. She just went to sleep in a chair in her room and didn't wake up. She was such a monumental person in my life and I still feel like that void will never fill. I sometimes think about what I'll tell my kids about my grandma and how sad I am that I never did give her a great-grandchild.
I am always still looking for some sign that she's still around and I keep hoping that I'll never forget her, how she sounds, what she looked like, certain moments we shared...
